I was holding my phone which displayed the list of colleges I had shortlisted for post graduation course. Sitting in that room that day was something different . Prepared for all the competitive exams for a year and yet missed out most of the dream colleges by a margin. This was the last round, they were calling people by ranks and slowly, slowly all the desired colleges were disappearing from the list on the phone.
And then the moment when the last seat filled for the last college of the list.
I sat there for two minutes in that hall, coordinator shouting ranks and the hustle of other thousands of student. And looked again at the display of the phone got up, and left that suffocating place. A place that I felt was just a reminder that I did not put in all my efforts,
a reminder that I should have worked even harder, a reminder that my dream now,drifts away from me.
I was walking in those unknown streets. As I looked up breaking the thought chain, I had been walking for almost half an hour and now I was standing ten steps away from a sea shore. I had to rush home but had no strength. So I just sat there on this beach, for the first time after years I cried and cried.
I was blank yet something inside of me was shouting and there was an unnerving war with myself. I knew I had made a mistake and could not correct anything.
My thoughts were full of hatred
for every person whom I made my priority,
For every person who was a wrong choice,
For every effort that I made,
for all the wrong people,
For every moment I wasted,
for every time I made a less effort,
for the system, the marks, and all humans alive,
because all of this made my dream drift apart,
and that’s exactly when I realized,
I was being irrational,
and If someone is wrong,
Blaming, crying and every reason given to justify a loss is a sign that you are a wailer.
If you lost something, It’s only because you didn’t put all your efforts. It’s only because you prioritized something else. Only because you didn’t believe in yourself. Nothing in this world can take away anything from you if you hold on to it with all your might and power.
Yet, yet the path from sea shore to home that day took ages. My entire life was playing in front of my eyes, zooming on all the mistakes. That day home felt something more than what it used to be. And I blamed everyone and everything that day only to lose myself to find myself again.
This is how I decided to give myself a chance to cross the margin that was left out last time.
And this year of the chance has been terribly terrible to me. Like someone ripped apart certain things apart from me and reframed them and this would happen every day. Every day and night a struggle I wanted to end. The only thing that pushed me was the probability of living my dreams one day. The slight possibility was just enough to make me focus again. It was a fight for myself against myself. And either, way I lost something for good or bad. But one thing was sure this time, it will be a tough one.
I did make it through the year with all the colleges I wanted in my hand and not just colleges, I found something even better on this journey. I found out I could do anything. No matter how hard or impossible people say it is. It’s only yours and yours opinion that will make the difference and no one else’s.
Aspirations make individuals beautiful. But no one mentions how difficult it is to fight for them. I live in a nation where there are different exams for different courses and each one is equally difficult. People always talk about the ones who make it through but not about the thousands who were crushed behind. And crushed ones are not the losers they are just fighters. You just have to pick yourself up from the wailing state and get into the fighter state. Because those who want things, will get them anyway and those who want to give reasons will never fall short of one.