Rest in peace.

Dear diary,

Most of the nights these days are sleepless. laying in bed all I see is a rope hanging from a ceiling, all it needs is me. Mornings are worse, nights are dark and  I can not see the eyes that continuously judge me.Judge me at each step, judge my past, present and forecast my future.Each Morning I wake up to the struggle of convincing myself just another day this too shall pass, Maybe it will be tomorrow when you will breathe your dreams. Like this pushing through each day I have passed almost three months, and yet this feeling won’t go away. I have been living in today considering it a tomorrow each day.Each day entering in my room has been the same since past three months. Every time I got into my room and shut the door, I felt a stabbing pain in my heart as if all bones in my body are breaking through my skin. And I wondered when was it that I became burdened with something like this. I was not living alone yet nights felt long. When I couldn’t find anything to occupy my time, I would walk to the nearby cafe and pretend I was waiting for someone. Once I had got bored of that, I had the walk to my room as slowly as possible. I had friends but I didn’t feel like being around them. Come to think of it, a city of more than fifty million people, and there wasn’t a single person I wanted to see or talk to. It was not like I did not try to tell my friends of how I feel. They would just think these are jitters and will pass soon, I should be strong. Yet no inspiration worked for me, each day was just another battle lost to hours of whining and tears. From one corner of the room to other holding back all those thoughts so that I don’t look sad to anyone. I tried calling people in the beginning when I realized something was not right within me. I was  drowning in the black hole of miseries, fears, and helplessness. Looking at myself in the mirror, I could just see the one thing missing and that was myself. No matter how hard I would try I just could not smile. My friends thought it was all okay, I knew it wasn’t, so I pulled myself from them.

And let days pass on,
living with ashes
of my broken dreams,
shattered pieces
of those heartless relationships,
Memories of being let down,

the battle was not fair,
I was not whole,
shadows and ghosts,
Was all I had,
this is when I realized,
how lost I was.

Sometimes in days like these, I dream of a distant place, place far away from this space a place in another dimension. Dream that I was in a place all by myself. I look around frantically, but in the end, I never find anyone.It is as if I am holding my breath underwater… Cold, deep water. And it is like that every day.When I wake up, for a second I don’t quite know where I am. Sometimes I think maybe I have come to the wrong place.Dream that I am all alone in an empty universe. I am so alone that my fingers, cheeks, fingernails, heels and even ends of my hair everything aches from loneliness.The World is so beautiful, but it’s like I am far away from it… all alone. With this I would end up thinking, Is killing myself an option? All I need is those 10 seconds of courage and I get a chance to restart my life. What will happen even if I die, nothing much I suppose. I was born from five elements and I will be annihilated into five elements. should I end it all now? I look at the ceiling and the rope. Just then my cell phone beeps it’s mother calling. Not today, maybe tomorrow.

And months have passed in that tomorrow. I am stoic still social yet anti-social. I am hurt yet have no tears. I smile yet have no happiness. But I have one thing satisfaction, I made it through so many tomorrows and I will make it through much more. I maybe stuck in some pieces of life and maybe moving ahead of some pieces, But one thing I am doing with all the pieces is I am going on with them. Every time tomorrow seemed distant it was somehow something magical that helped me sail through another today. Fears, the pain won’t leave me but now I won’t let them win. Death is nowadays considered so plain, humans have become so shallow that many of us go through the struggle of today and  tomorrow each day and yet never talk about it. We cry but we fear to show it, but is this all really worth it? Why can’t we just express ourselves without the fear of being judged?`

“Cell phone beeped again-dad calling” I looked at the cell phone wiped my tears.

The Idea of tomorrow was part of life now so, The Ceiling and rope- rest in peace.

 

 

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